My heart aches really badly. Please make it go away. Why is it that when i give my all or fight soo hard, it always doesnt matter. I feel really stupid to have put my feelings all out there, only to have it not matter at all. Cause at the end of the day, they always drift away.. And no matter how hard i fight/put in as much effort as i can for it to work, it doesnt even matter.. Because i can feel you slipping away like sand running through my fingers :(
So, i met this guy from a penpal site.. And who knew that we’d instantly clicked? I’m saying this because i’ve never met anyone online whom i can click and have a connection with just like that.
Anyway, we’ve been talking for about a month now and have even exchanged phone numbers (to chat via whatsapp). I don’t know what is it about him. But i feel myself falling more for him as i the days we talk pass by. But having said that, i think i need to keep my guard up and probably try not to be blind sighted by whatever charm he may have on me. I feel that maybe he’s hiding something? Because he says he’s a guitar teacher but he’s always constantly busy all the time! And when i ask how his day went and what he did.. he’ll kinda brush that question off, not really answering it. (which seems a little shady, as he has never once answered what he did during the day.. or maybe i’m just overthinking it? idk)
He has never really talked much about himself either (as in what he did at work/during the day.. we kinda just talk about general topics) but i mean it’s only been a month.. we shall see how things turn out.
But sometimes, he drives me crazy!! Like i’d whatsapp him, and he takes ages to reply (and it’s not like he didnt come on to whatsapp.. he did! but he just doesn’t reply until manyyyyyyy hours later!) Like the title says, he can drive me crazy just by waiting for his reply (and also sometimes by the way he replies my text.. like he’d forget certain things we’ve talked about; when i do remember most of the things we talked about) But then, when he’s sweet.. he really is sweet and caring, and that really makes my day. Ahh, i know.. im starting to sound obsessed! Who knew, that just by talking to him from the first day.. i’d be in this position? I’d never saw this coming..
So yes, i’m still currently waiting on a reply to my text that i sent manyyyy hours earlier (and yes, he actually came online).. Maybe that’s why i’ve been feeling crazy all day! Just wishing he’d reply! i really miss the first few weeks when we talked nonstop and almost the whole day.. but now, it seems like we only exchange a really short conversation and that’s that. :( I want to go back to how it was!
Don’t understand why does this always happen to me?? I always fall for some guy who i’d have an amazing connection and chemistry at the start.. and then slowly, our relationship will just drift apart.. And it’s not that i don’t put in my effort in maintaining the relationship.. i do! but it seems that the other party isnt interested or trying their best to maintain the relationship.. so i’d always just let it go (because i’m tired of being the only one trying after some time). Sigh.. Oh well, if things are meant to be, it’ll work out for the best.
Ps. idk how this online guy feels about me.. not sure if all these terms of endearment he’s started using on me is something he usually says to everyone or if he started liking me that way. (frustrating!)
"It’s like I was mad at my body. You know, I really take pride in the fact that i eat well and i workout. And i always thought, ‘gosh, you know, i’ve a strong body that’s so healthy.’ And i just think that was really the first time that i had this negative physical reaction towards my body. Because i just felt like my body let me down." [Giuliana Rancic upon finding out that she has breast cancer] This is exactly how i’m feeling today :(
So, i’m having one of those days where i don’t feel that strong.. where all i want to do is curl up in bed, shut everyone out and just cry. I know positive thinking is really the key to everything.. but today i feel so tired of trying to stay strong/positive.
I really hate this wait till November to get tested to see if my body goes back to being normal. I hate knowing that i’m not really 100% back to normal. I really thought that once the surgery is over, i can resume back to how things were. All this wait sucks..
I’m just hoping that this feeling of defeatedness will pass and that my silly head/mindset will get back on track to stay positive and believe that things will get better.
So, i went for my blood test recently and had a follow up done today. Well, the doctor said that my scar is healing really well and i can start exercising.. but of course nothing too heavy, no exposure to sun and no swimming. He took a look at my blood test, and he said that my thyroid function is normal. However, having said that, my TSH level is doubled the normal range. He said it’s normal/expected at this stage as my surgery was just recent, and that the absence of one thyroid lobe has triggered my brain into activating the TSH to produce more so as to support the normal range of thyroid function.
He is however hoping that this would go down to a normal level after some time. So, in 3 months time i would have to see him and get blood work done too! (eeks, i hate needles!) I’m really crossing my fingers and toes that it will go down.. because if it doesn’t, i’ll need to be put on medication… if not, my other thyroid lobe may grow abnormally as well. >.< I really don’t want to go through all of what i’ve gone through again!!
I guess, all i can do now is hope for the best and stay positive! So far, i’m feeling great! I have managed to lose some weight.. i feel a little bit more active than usual.. But my memory has became a little forgetful, probably due to the anesthesia? But all’s well so far!
Really hoping for the best!